


Struggle Through The Holidays

by TheVillain



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Panic Attacks, Virgin Steve Rogers, a bit of smut, holiday fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-13 02:49:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9103192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVillain/pseuds/TheVillain
Summary: It's Bucky and Steve's first Christmas together in over 70 years and ever as a real couple. Bucky is going through emotional turmoil but Steve is there and always will be.





	1. Chapter 1

Christmas was coming and Bucky hated it. No, he didn't hate it, he just didn't like people doting over him, especially, Steve. Ok, he hated it. Back in the 40's he would go out with whoever was his flavor of the week dame at the time but then come home when the moon was bright to exchange a gift with Steve and to celebrate, just them two, together. Most times, he just got Steve some kind of art supplies because he was shit at picking gifts for people. Even if Bucky got the wrong kind of charcoal or paper, Steve would be speechless with gratitude and use it for the mere reason being because it was Bucky who gave it to him. Steve, though. Steve's gifts were always thoughtful. One year, Bucky lost his watch and learned to live without it, depending on clocks the rest of the year. He had gotten so used to it that he had forgotten all about the watch until it appeared in a box beneath wrapping paper to him from Steve.

It was never about the dames or the booze or the parties. It was always about Steve. Always.

That was 70 years ago.

Bucky sat near the windowsill and watched people hurrying around outside in the falling snow, parcels and packages in their hands. He knew Steve had gotten him something. Not because he heard or saw anything to indicate that, but because that was Steve.

It was their first Christmas together after being separated for so long and the importance of it all took the form of anxiety, gnawing away in the pit of Bucky's stomach. He could never give Steve what he truly deserved. 

"Bucky? You alright?" Steve's voice came gently from behind. Bucky turned to face him from looking out the window and gave a half-hearted smile. 

"M'fine." was Bucky's gruff reply.

Steve didn't look convinced. Not at all. He sat beside Bucky and rested a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong, Buck?" Steve asked again.

Bucky couldn't look Steve in his beautiful blue eyes and instead gazed upon the Christmas tree that Steve insisted on putting up. It was quite the sight and it glistened and glowed during the cold, dark nights of winter. That was Steve. Bucky would have been too numb or sad to put any kind of thought in celebration but the lights and passion that Steve decorated with only reflected the beauty that was really in his heart.

Bucky shrugged.

"I know it's strange, us together here, now, and with Christmas so soon, but we can make it work, can't we?" Steve asked, gently rubbing his hand up and down Bucky's arm. Bucky slid a hand through his long, greasy hair and nodded.

"Yeah, it's weird but I'm so fucking grateful that you're here with me, Stevie." Bucky sighed. The two mutually pulled each other into a strong and loving hug ending with Steve pressing his forehead against Bucky's. 

"I love you, Buck." Steve whispered. Bucky closed his eyes. "I know.. and I love you back the same."

Steve kissed Bucky sweetly on the cheek and got back up. 

"I know you aren't planning on going to Tony's Christmas party tonight but-" Steve began.

"I'll go." 

Steve shook his head. "You don't have to go, Buck." Steve said understandingly. He knew that Bucky wasn't one for big groups or parties. Not anymore, anyway. And Steve was perfectly ok with that. They both had changed so much over time and Steve loved Bucky with all of his heart no matter what.

"No, I'll go." Bucky insisted. Steve didn't push it any further and nodded.

"Alright. In that case, I'm just going to shower." Steve said, making his way to the bathroom.

After a few minutes, Bucky got up and sat outside the bathroom door just listening to the water and his lover washing. He knew this was creepy as fuck but his heart ached. He was fucking hurting and he didn't know how to make it stop.

This Christmas season, and New Years, had somehow snapped Bucky into reality that he had to make it known to Steve just how he really feels. That's what couples do this time of year, isn't it? This was their first fucking Christmas together for God's sake.

"Bucky! You Out there?! I forgot a towel, can you grab one real quick?!" Steve yelled out. Bucky nearly jumped out of his skin in surprise.

"Uh, yeah! Hold on a sec!" 

Bucky scrambled to his feet at wandered over to the couch where soft towels were laid out, just finished from the laundry. He opened the door and right away felt the steam drift out of the room.

"Come in!" said Steve, smiling. Bucky entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and laying the towel on the counter next to the sink. 

"Come in with me, Buck. Please." this time, Steve's voice was softer, more pleading. It made Bucky's heart melt and at the same time, the sight made his dick twitch. Steve was gorgeous. He always was, even before the serum. If only he knew how much his beauty inside and out had always torn at Bucky's heart and how many times that same body brought him to orgasm.

Bucky stripped down and stepped into the shower where Steve immediately pulled him into his arms, always knowing when something wasn't right. Bucky both loved and hated him for that.

"I got you, honey." Steve soothed, rubbing Bucky's back. The interaction started off tender at first but in unison, their kisses got heated and their cocks throbbed.

"Oh, God, Buck" Steve gasped as Bucky slid his hand between Steve's thighs. Steve's little gasps and moans turned Bucky on to no end. Bucky used his flesh hand to bring Steve closer and closer to the edge until Steve didn't know any words anymore. It satisfied Bucky to see Steve so happy and wanting with something that Bucky is providing. He gave his own cock a few pulls before getting on his knees.

Steve placed his hand onto Bucky's cheek and slid his long wet hair back behind his ear. It was a swirl of sensations for them both but it never lasted very long. The attraction was like a wildfire that not even all the worlds oceans could put out.

"Oh... oh, I'm gonna come, baby." Steve gasped. Bucky went down deeper on Steve's cock as Steve made a fist, slamming it on the tiled bathroom wall next to him.  


Bucky didn't want it to be over. He didn't want to stop giving Steve pleasure and thrill. "Just.. just not yet." Bucky ground out, slowing down on Steve so he could try to coax a little more time.

"Buck, I'm serious. I'm going to explode whether you want me to or not!" Steve warned. Still, Steve bit his fist in an effort to slow the orgasm that was forming rapidly deep in his gut, ready to burst out.

Bucky wasn't answering anymore. He was busy working on Steve's balls, his thighs. The body that he loved so thoroughly.  
Steve looked down at his Bucky and remembered the first time Bucky gave him head, it was Steve's first time-- Bucky was Steve's "first" [and only] many things. This memory in particular though set Steve off as release pumped out of him with every pulse of his cock. The orgasm came on strong and felt wonderfully endless.

When Steve came-to, some of Steve's release was dripping from the sides of Bucky's mouth as Bucky swallowed as much as he could. Steve was panting. 

"Good, God, Bucky. That was.. you're incredible." Steve breathed out, dopy smile on his lips.

"Love you too, punk." Bucky said, stroking his own erection.

"What? no, no. That's my job." Steve insisted, brushing Bucky's hand away. 

"You don't have to blow me" Bucky growled in lust. "Just get me off with your hand, I'm so fucking close, baby. I barely touched myself and I already have to come. Fuck, I have to come."

Bucky's eyes fell closed as Steve jerked him off with a firm, quick hand, knowing well just what Bucky likes. True to his word, Bucky is coming in spurts, all over Steve's hand, wrist, anywhere and everywhere.

The shower water washed the remnants of their interactions away and they just held each other as Steve reached out a hand to turn the water off.

"I missed you, Stevie." Bucky whispered in his ear. Steve hugged him tighter.

Steve decided on something semi-formal to wear that night while Bucky just wore a red long sleeved shirt and black skinny jeans. No suit-jacket, no tie, that's just how Bucky was.

It had been ages since Bucky had been to a gathering this PACKED before. Leave it to Stark for that. It seems like he knows half the world and he probably does. 

Steve noted the look of discomfort on Bucky's face and squeezed his hand reassuringly. He wanted to say something like 'You're doing fine, Buck.' but decided against it, having a feeling that Bucky would already know exactly what he meant.

"Well if it isn't our favorite one-armed killer and his self-righteous boyfriend!" Tony beamed, slapping Bucky on the shoulder. Steve smiled and quickly spoke up before Bucky had a chance to punch him.

"You seem festive.. nice tie." Steve said, referring to the bright red tie with candy cane's going across it that Tony was sporting. With his Armani suit, of course. Pepper appeared from behind, champagne in hand.

"Don't let Tony bother you, go help yourself to some drinks." Pepper offered. "I'll make sure he behaves." she adds.

"She loves me." Tony quips with a smirk before joining her over with Thor and Jane who are talking a little further down in the room.

Natasha and Clint come over next, Nat kissing each super soldier on the cheek. "Merry Christmas, boys." she says cheerfully but sincerely. Bucky gives a half-smile and says "thanks" with a nod.

"So any plans for new years?" Clint asks, taking a swig from his beer bottle.

"I-- I-- Excuse me." Bucky said softly before rushing off to the bathroom, locking himself in there. He shouldn't have come.. but he had to, he had to for Steve.

"Bucky?" Came the voice accompanying the knock on the door. "Buck, it's Steve. You alright in there?"

Bucky felt like he wanted to throw up, and he did. He barely had time to throw the toilet seat up before he just dry heaved. Nothing was coming up but he continued to linger over the porcelain bowl until his nausea subsided. After flushing and rinsing his mouth real quick, Bucky unlocked the door to see a concerned Steve on the other side.

"I'm fine, Steve. Really, I am." Bucky finally responded. He knew he had to do this, he had to suck it up.

'Come on Barnes.' Bucky scold himself inwardly. 'Get your ass out there,'

Steve knew better and Bucky knew this, too. It's almost like the tables had turned- Steve being the dependable "strong" one and Bucky the lost soul who constantly needed-but not wanting- help. Bucky hated the feeling of being so helpless. He wanted to be the man that Steve deserved.  
The Christmas-esque music, the happy people, the decorations. Bucky as a person paled in comparison and he felt like he didn't belong. Maybe he didn't even want to.

Steve had Bucky's face in his hands, his eyes warm and loving. "We don't have to stay. Want to just go home and watch a movie?" Steve suggested.

"Yeah."

Without another word from Bucky, the two returned to their flat, Steve explaining that Bucky didn't feel well on their way out the door.  
Bucky was angry. He didn't even have the strength to put up an argument to stay at the party and just.. surrendered. He was weak, he was selfish, he was angry at himself and his situation. He didn't know why Steve still put up with him.

"M'just gonna go get changed." Bucky stated, needing to get back into his sweats. He went to his and Steve's room and pulled off his shirt before tossing it the the corner of the room. His metal arm stood out against his scarred skin. It didn't bother him much. As Bucky went for his pants, he patted his pocket and felt for the key that, yes, was still there. Steve's Christmas present. The super soldier took the key and set it inside the drawer of their night table, under the numerous amounts of papers and whatever else. He wasn't worried about Steve finding it.

After changing, Bucky flopped down on their large couch, Steve ready with two mugs of hot chocolate. "That was fast." Bucky noted out loud. Steve nodded. "Gotta hand it to Tony and his hot drink maker." Steve admitted. They weren't at the tower but he managed to convince Tony to make a few things for them. Steve kissed Bucky's cheek and sat down next to him.

"What do you think about Elf?" Steve asked, wondering what movie they should watch. Christmas themed, of course.

Bucky sipped his hot chocolate and groaned. "That one is so stupid."

"Oh come on, that was funny!" Steve countered, trying not to laugh at Bucky's disapproval.

"Ok, ok, what about Home Alone?" Steve tried again.

"Babes in Toyland." Bucky said.

"Oh wow, I haven't seen that one in ages! Not since I was a little kid. Yeah, I could go for that." Steve agreed and then pulled a blanket over him and his lover before finding it on Netflix.

Steve held Bucky's hand as they cuddled together and Steve was so glad that he was cuddled here with Bucky instead of watching people get drunk and trying to manage any issue that may arise with Bucky. Not that it mattered. Steve would do anything at all for Bucky. He deserved it especially after all the times he took care of him in the past. Now it was Steve's job and he lovingly accepted it.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning of Christmas Eve peered out from behind all the buildings and landscape that surrounded their home, eventually sunbeams finding a place to settle on Bucky's face. He groaned and stuffed his face into Steve's arm. They had fallen asleep there and had not even managed to get to bed that night. It was cold as fuck but Steve seemed so at peace resting in Bucky's arms. The cold hardly bothered Bucky.

It was Christmas Eve. Fuck.

Bucky could feel his flesh-hand sweat and his heart thud. Steve stirred and eventually awoke, gently removing Bucky from his worry. "Mornin', baby." Steve mumbled sleepily. Bucky kissed the top of his head.

"Morning."

The two laid there just soaking in the company and warmth of being together until Bucky had an idea to make the two of them breakfast. He could at least try to make some kind of effort.

"Want some pancakes?" Bucky asked, mentally accounting for the few needed ingredients in his head. 

"Mmm, yeah, Buck. That sounds good." Steve agreed, reaching up and rubbing Bucky's cheek with his hand. Not wanting to leave the warmth, Bucky carefully freed himself from his spot and made his way over to the kitchen, opening cabinets to track down the mix.

"So, I was thinking we could have some kind of nice dinner tonight, I don't know. What do you think?" Steve asked, wrapping himself up more in Bucky's scent. Bucky felt a chill in his blood from anxiety.

"We don't have to go anywhere, I could just order some things to be delivered here. I found this site that has actual restaurants that deliver- and anyway, I'm sure Tony has connections." Steve added, hoping to quell Bucky's tension.  


Bucky was shuffling around, doing his thing, listening to Steve and taking comfort in his voice. Relief washed over him when he heard he didn't have to go out. Steve started sketching while they were eating breakfast and it felt so normal. Of course, Steve eating breakfast at the table was not a special event but there was something the Christmas lights did to Bucky's heart when Steve was illuminated by them.

Bucky's phone vibrated and it made him jump. "text" he said, pulling his phone out and taking a look. "It's from Nat. Making sure I'm ok." Bucky informed Steve so he didn't have to ask.

He tossed down his phone haphazardly, not bothering to respond.

"I'm sorry I made you look foolish in front of your friends." Bucky sighed. Bucky knew that he himself looked foolish as well but he didn't give a shit about that. Steve glanced at him in question. 

"Foolish?" Steve repeated.

"Buck, have you seen Clint after too much Asgardian booze?" Steve asked, smiling genuinely at the thought. Steve then reached out and took Bucky's hand, squeezing it. "You did nothing wrong. I promise." Steve reassured him. Bucky searched Steve's face for any sign of a white lie but he saw none. He just saw honesty and love.  


"Can't argue there." Bucky agreed, shaking his head. He even cracked a smile. When the brief moment of relief had passed, Bucky suddenly stood and wrapped his arms around Steve tightly in a hug.

"It's alright, honey." Steve whispered into Bucky's hair. The reassurances were common but genuine. It was all Steve could do to calm his lover. Bucky wanted to break open and explain what's been in his head and heart lately but the words wouldn't come. He couldn't function. All he knew was that Steve was the center of his universe- the same universe that made them carry on in secret for years, the same universe that tore them apart, almost killed them, but yet the same universe who gave them another chance. Steve would even say a better one had he been in on Bucky's current train of thought.

Bucky let himself be held just for a moment before pulling back and making an effort to wear something decent. His counterpart washed the dishes before he joined Bucky in their bedroom to get changed for the day as well. 

"Why did Tony make his Christmas party the day before Christmas Eve and not actually on Christmas Eve?" Bucky wondered out loud. Steve chuckled.

"Well, that was random. But I don't know. Ask Tony if you think you could talk to him without needing an Avengers intervention."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "He's so arrogant, Steve. Can't stand him."

And right at that moment when the words left his lips, a click went off in Bucky's mind. He was arrogant and treated Steve like shit all those years ago. Things were different now but he wished he could take back all the pain he must have caused Steve by flaunting the women he would have on each arm, coming home with lipstick smears on his cheek, being stubborn enough to ignore the pain and disappointment in the others face.

"I know, Buck. He's a good person at heart though." Steve replied, not mentioning that Bucky _did_ kill his parents. Maybe not exactly the reason for Tony's arrogance but definitely a large part of his dislike towards the former Winter Soldier. Steve understood what happened, that it wasn't his Bucky who did that, but Tony, rightfully or not rightfully so, will never get that.

And there Steve went again, seeing below the surface. It caused a small pang of jealousy within Bucky. If Steve could reach him while he was already so far gone, Steve reaching below the surface of someone else made that unique feeling Bucky felt turn cheap.

The sour feeling faded as Steve rest his chin on Bucky's shoulder. After all, Steve was here with Bucky, not anyone else.

After a moment of silence, Bucky spoke up.

"Steve?"

"mm?" Steve responded, pulling a clean pair of skinny jeans on. 

"I need to take you someplace.. after we eat tonight." Bucky announced, thinking that now was a good of a time as ever to reveal a hint of his intention tonight. He couldn't fuck this up.

"Is everything alright?" concern, lacing Steve's tone of voice.

Bucky sighed, a bit annoyed. "Yes, Steve."

Bucky realized that he didn't mean for his reply to sound asshole-ish and cleared his throat. "I mean, everything is fine. Just trust me." Bucky tried again. Sometimes Steve's over protectiveness was a bit much for Buck.

This time Steve gave a small smile and kissed Bucky on the cheek for what seems like the millionth time [and Bucky reveling in every one.]  
Bucky faced Steve properly, the prospect of what he had in store for Steve, giving him temporary confidence. Maybe the smallest glimmer of the future started here? It was too much to think through on a whim, so fuck it. Or, fuck Steve, 

"Give me a proper kiss, Rogers" Bucky chided. Steve was all too willing to oblige and wrapped his arms around Bucky's neck, pressing his lips meaningfully against Bucky's. Steve's tongue against Bucky's made Bucky feel drunk on everything Steve Rogers. It was like kissing heaven and if this was better than heaven, Bucky sure as hell didn't want to go when it was his time. Memories and feelings of the past and the present collided into one- whatever it was- and the two toppled over onto their bed.

"We just changed." Steve chuckled. 

"If you have other idea's, Captain.." Bucky teased, playing with the waist of Steve's pants.

"Oh, I have ideas. Plenty of them." Steve quipped, undoing his button and fly and helping Bucky to do the same.  
Steve always had the most sensual body and he never knew it. Bucky always knew. It was just one of the many things about Steve that Bucky fell head-over-heels in love with.

"Your body, Stevie, always so, so good." Bucky whispered, catching Steve's lips in another kiss. Steve blushed, the redness of his flush going from his cheeks to lower part of his neck.

"Still so modest as always." the brunette commented on such blush.

"And what about you, baby?" Steve questioned, lifting a brow. His hand traveled down Bucky's chest to his cock where Bucky had to bite his lip from the throb that occurred at Steve's squeeze.

Bucky leaned over Steve as Steve laid flat on his back on their bed. The Captain stroked Bucky's cheek as his long hair fell over their faces. Their mouths crashed together again and again, this time, their hips grinding together.

"Fuck." Bucky swore, feeling himself pulse a little harder at the feeling of Steve's equally erect cock rubbing against his own. Bucky wanted to make his lover feel good so he took Steve's cock in his hand and began to stroke him off, turned on by every little gasp and noise that Steve made.

"More, Bucky, more!" Steve huffed. Their body's, grinding hard, started losing it's rhythm as urgency became more and more apparent. Bucky took this opportunity to move his hand from Steve's dick to slipping a finger into him, using his other arm to keep himself propped up.

Steve's eyes widened. "Buck!"

"Just say the word, baby, and I'll stop." Bucky made sure to add. Steve just shook his head. "Please keep doing it, please!" he nearly begged.  
Bucky slowly withdrew his finger and then inserted it again, this time a little deeper. This continued, eliciting perverted moans of lust from his super soldier.

"Here it comes.. Buck, I'm going to come." Steve warned. Bucky smirked.

"Go ahead, no one is stopping you."

Bucky had two fingers in Steve at this point and not even for long because Steve was done. Steve was so done. Bucky felt Steve clench around his fingers and watched as Steve threw his head back against the pillow, back arching in ecstasy.

Steve's release was like an explosion and Bucky tried to get his face into it, getting himself marked with his lovers fluid. It was so dirty of him but he craved Steve. He fucking craved him. Steve was panting, looking on as Bucky licked his mess up.

Bucky himself was hard as a rock and leaking.

"Catch your breath, first." Bucky insisted.

"I'm fine but it looks like you need a bit of help." Steve grinned wickedly and they shifted so that Steve was kissing Bucky's thighs. Bucky's strong, capable thighs. Bucky let out a long-held breath and put one hand in Steve's hair.

Steve doesn't rush it, he takes his time, giving each thigh special attention.

"Feels good," Bucky sighs. Saliva from Steve's mouth dripped all over until Bucky could feel himself pulled into his lover's mouth. It was wet and warm and god, did Steve know how to give good blow jobs. Who would ever think that someone as 'clean' as Captain America would do such filthy things with that mouth. It shot a spark of arousal through Bucky and gave him another push closer to the edge.

"I want to taste you, Buck." Steve pleaded up with big blue eyes. Steve between his thighs was an image that Bucky revisited often in his mind, over and over again. It got him through so many lonely nights and then some.

When Bucky came, he was seeing stars. Stars and stripes. He could barely catch his breath when he rides out the last of the aftershocks. Bucky placed a hand on Steve's arm, not wanting him to get up or move. He felt safe within Steve's personal space.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this chapter was so short!!

The day went without incident, and dinner was amazing. It was so relaxing and the food was great. Steve missed Bucky so much and knew he would have liked to have dinner with him like this every night. All of that time apart..

Now, Bucky was taking Steve someplace and he had no idea where. Manhattan, it seems, but that's all Steve could really guess. It doesn't get any clearer when they stop in front of a warehouse. It looks abandoned and the windows were dirty.

"Uh, Bucky..?" Steve asked, still confused as to why they stopped there. Bucky didn't say anything, he just fished the key from his pocket and stepped in, the blonde following behind.

Canvases everywhere of every size imaginable. Some the size of the palm of his hand and some the size of half the wall. The windows on the sides were spotless, letting in sunshine. Paint of every kind, palette's, easel's, the works. Bucky didn't know anything about art so he just bought everything. Tony helped financially (more for Steve's sake than Bucky's) but Bucky swore he would pay him back.

Bucky looked over at Steve whose face was in complete awe.

"Shit, Buck..how?" Steve swore, still in a trance. He smiled widely and hugged Bucky tightly. 

"There's no way you could afford this, I mean-"

Bucky shushed him. "Enough. That's my job, not yours. It's for you to _enjoy_ not _worry_ about." Bucky explained.

"How do we move all of this?" Steve asked. Bucky laughed.

"Honey, we don't have to. You own the building, too." Bucky replied, handing Steve they key. This time, Steve looked teary-eyed.

"Oh, come now Stevie." Bucky soothed, hugging him close again. "I figured a good Christmas present was long over due." Bucky added, Steve drawing him in for a kiss full of gratitude and love. Bucky felt that from Steve. He always did.

"I know It's a subway or two away from home but you can come here anytime you want and this place could fit almost anything you want to paint, or draw, or whatever-else you want to do."

"You know what I want to do?" Steve asked. Bucky didn't even have to respond. "Go home and make you feel good."

Bucky smirked.

The next few days, Steve and Bucky spent their time in bed- having oral sex, handjobs, grinding, (They haven't consummated their relationship yet with actual intercourse.) or eating good food. Steve felt a true happiness that only reaffirmed his decision that he had yet to reveal to Bucky. 

Their happiness took work. Steve was still heavily weighed with guilt over losing Bucky those so many years ago and Bucky was troubled. Anxiety, fear, anger, helplessness, they were all things that Bucky felt on a daily basis and Steve was no stranger to those things himself. At the end, the effort and energy it took to get to that place of peace and love was more than worth it. It was the journey making it through those tough times and appearing at the other end together that made their love and bond even stronger than before.

The nightmares were still present. A couple of times a week, Bucky would wake up in total fear and confusion only to have his Stevie by his side, holding him and kissing his hair and telling him that he will always love and protect him. Sometimes Bucky would shrug him off, not wanting to be babied, other times he couldn't leave Steve's arms. Either way, they were in it together til the end of the line.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve's gift to Bucky was one that made Bucky cling to Steve the rest of the night.

"I haven't seen one like this since.. since 1940" Bucky whispered in awe. Buck couldn't think of a more perfect gift. He took it out of the box and put it on right away.

"Now you won't be late in coming back to me." Steve said, smiling just a little.

"This has to be the same one you gave me before the war. I'm surprised you manged to get a real one." said Bucky, looking at the beautiful watch Steve had gotten for him. Not the same exact one he gave Bucky in 1940 but it was the same exact kind and an authentic original, not a reproduction.

"Merry Christmas, Buck. I love you."

As December came to a close, Bucky was now anxious about new years. He was still adjusting to a life that was truly his, a world that left him behind and a man that he left behind. It scared him. About the time Steve found his apartment, all Bucky was doing was learning how to survive as a nobody civilian. He was an empty shell merely existing and drawing the will to continue through his photo's and scattered, vague memories of his old life and especially of Steve.

Tonight, New years was going to be the best one of his life, if it all went well, Steve hoped. Steve knew Bucky loved him, he never questioned it, but this was something else. Bucky was never the marrying type. Even in the old days. It was all about fooling around and not being tied down. In reality, Steve thought, Buck was already tied to him. Bucky could have left Steve at any time. Bucky was very handsome, charming, witty, strong. But yet he still hung around with Steve, the scrappy string bean who would be blown over by a breeze or probably die of something not much worse than a cold. Bucky stayed because even if he didn't know it at the time- he loved him.

Steve's hands trembled as he peered at the ring one more time before closing the small velvet box. Honestly, he doesn't want to spend his life at anyone else's side. It's always been him and Buck and always will be. Steve lost him once and endured a life time of emptiness and disconnection but now that his other half is back with his, Steve is going to make sure that never happens ever again. No one is going to hurt Bucky like that again and Steve makes a silent promise to himself that he would rather die without a second thought than let that happen. Steve let's himself get lost in both the old nostalgia and new feelings of being reunited with his love but the guilt is always there. He should have gone down there at some point to find him, he should have reached out further, he should have been the one to fall- not his Bucky. Before Bucky came back into his life, nightmares woke Steve in cold sweats. Sometimes he would wake up scared, reliving that moment over and over again, sometimes he would wake up hard before reaching his senses that he's alone- drowning in despair and desperation at the loss of his partner.  


Although getting Bucky back has been nothing short of a miracle, a dream come true, Steve went through adjustments and realizations of his own. Bucky is not the same man he fell in love with in the 1930's. Steve is of course very different, too, but Bucky had such a drastic change after being tortured, brainwashed, manipulated, worse. The Bucky that Steve grew up with died when he fell. Steve remembered that Bucky was a big flirt. He loved to laugh, dance. This Bucky has anxiety, deep suffering, caution.-- But the love that Bucky always felt for Steve never went away. His heart was hardened but not destroyed. Steve never gave up on him and together they learned how to accept and embrace one another again, strengthening their bond like never before.

The night was particularly cold, Steve bundling himself in their large blanket. Bucky was confused as to why Steve didn't say anything about the new years eve party everyone was going to. He guessed it was because Steve was worried he would freak out again. Bucky doesn't blame him. He really doesn't. He just wished Steve would go to the damn thing and not stay home on his account. Steve insisted no matter what Bucky said.

Eventually, Bucky found himself sitting on the couch, Steve laying with his head on Bucky's shoulder, watching some tv until midnight. As the clock inched its way closer to 12, Steve grew more and more nervous.

"Steve, you alright? You're shaking." Bucky noticed, pulling him in closer.

"Yeah, Buck. Just a little cold." Steve half-lied. In reaction, Bucky reached back and grabbed the blanket that laid on the back of the couch and pulled it over Steve along with the other one. Steve glanced at the clock. He didn't want to wait at exactly midnight just for that tiny chance that he would get turned down (that would be a crappy way to start the new year), or have the celebration of the new year distract him from his proposal.

It was around 11pm when Steve thought he should act. Bucky again felt his tension.  


"You sure you're alright? You've been shaking all night." He asked again. Steve drew a deep breath and stood up, in front of Bucky. The blanket's fell to the floor and Steve was revealed in his dress uniform from the war. It was a bit tattered but he did his best to sew it.

"Steve..." 

Bucky didn't know what to say.

Then, as a true romantic, Steve got down on one knee and took out the small velvet box.

"James Buchanan Barnes, my Bucky, will you marry me?"

Steve opened the box and in it was a medium-width plain silver band. The inside of the ring has an engraving. "Til the end of the line"

The former winter soldier was in complete shock. He never saw it coming. Letting out a shaky sigh, smiling, Bucky nodded. 

"You gotta say it, Buck." Steve added.

"Yeah, Steve. I'll marry you."

Steve laughed in complete relief and showed him the engraving before slipping the ring onto his finger. After Steve gave Bucky his own ring to place on his finger, they embraced tightly. Steve had tears in his eyes that finally broke and slid down his cheeks. He wasn't a crier, really.. the last time he cried was when he lost Bucky and this time was when he got him back.

Bucky's face was soft and happy and pulled Steve in for kiss after kiss. Bucky picked Steve up and carried him to their bed.

"You look fucking hot in that uniform, Stevie.. but not sorry to say it's coming off."  
The blonde couldn't stop smiling, carefully undoing and removing his uniform, putting it aside, so they don't ruin it. Without it, Steve was clad in boxers and socks. As Steve took off his socks, Bucky slipped out of his clothes, completely naked and pushing Steve down gently on their bed.  


Steve felt like he was floating and living out one of his most wanted dreams. As they kissed, Bucky felt his lover through his boxers and squeezed, eliciting a small gasp from the blonde under him. It was passion ignited. Steve wrapped his legs around Bucky, preventing Bucky from moving other than his current position, laying flat on top of Steve.

"Now you're my punk and my husband, huh?" Bucky growled, lust slowly getting the better of him.

"Fiance, technically." Steve corrects with a smirk. What a little shit.

Bucky just rolls his eyes. "Whatever."

All of the making out, the touching, it lead to the removal of Steve's boxers, leaving them but naked and wanting. To Bucky, Steve looked like the most beautiful creature on the planet so worked up and needy and eyes that were bright and trusting.

"Let's do it, Buck." says Steve, Bucky knowing just what he means.

Nodding, Bucky goes over to their nightstand and grabs a small bottle of lube. "Nervous?" Bucky asks, squirting a generous amount into his hands.

Another nervous laugh. "Never."

"Seriously, Stevie. Take a breath and calm down. I'll make you feel good, promise." Bucky says, kissing Steve's lovely and most perfect shoulder.

After the stretching, the foreplay, even the moderate amount of pain, Steve's life finally comes full circle. Not because he's finally had sex but because he's finally had _Bucky_. Bucky inside of him, marking him, branding him, claiming him in all ways. _For_ always.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk Stucky with me! [MY TUMBLR](http://www.ortizshinkaroff.tumblr.com)


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